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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments vii
Vote for Sassy Pants! 9
“Virtuous?” Yes. “Virginal?” Not So Much. 12
Two Legs Good, Four Legs Better 15
Once You Go Pink, “So Frisky!” You’ll Think 18
Double Dutch by Moonlight 21
Suffer the Colts and Fillies, and Forbid Them Not 24
Her Majesty Instructs 27
A Petite Interlude 30
Stories Our Parents Tell Us 33
What Work Does a Unicorn Do? 36
I Receive a Warning 39
Offered Magic 42
Eye of Newt 45
I Overcome My Shyness 48
Is a Unicorn Good in Bed? 51
Am I an Abomination? 54
One Horn to Rule Them All 57
I Renounce All Evil 60
A Mistake is Made 63
The Devil’s Own Stallion 66
Blossom Comes Home 69
A Fatal Diagnosis 72
Their Tragic Fate 75
An Improvident Promise 78
Pranked by Unicorns 81
Be Like Mike 84
New Wave Tranny Hookers 87
A Telltale Clue 90
An Equine Apparition 93
All That Glitters, Hearts of Gold 99
A Painted Horse 102
Unicorn Adjacent 105
The Gospel According to Queequeg 108
Out and Pink and Proud 111
I Always Cry at Weddings 114