Acknowledgments xi
Introduction xiii
Vote for Sassy Pants! 15
“Virtuous?” Yes. “Virginal?” Not So Much. 17
Two Legs Good, Four Legs Better 19
Once You Go Pink, “So Frisky!” You’ll Think 21
Double Dutch by Moonlight 23
Suffer the Colts and Fillies, and Forbid Them Not 25
Her Majesty Instructs 27
A Petite Interlude 29
Stories Our Parents Tell Us 31
What Work Does a Unicorn Do? 33
I Receive a Warning 35
Offered Magic 37
Eye of Newt 39
I Overcome My Shyness 41
Is a Unicorn Good in Bed? 43
Am I an Abomination? 45
One Horn to Rule Them All 47
I Renounce All Evil 49
A Mistake is Made 51
The Devil’s Own Stallion 53
Blossom Comes Home 55
A Fatal Diagnosis 57
Their Tragic Fate 59
An Improvident Promise 61
Pranked by Unicorns 63
Be Like Mike 65
New Wave Tranny Hookers 67
A Telltale Clue 69
An Equine Apparition 71
LGBT-PTSD-WWUD 73
All That Glitters, Hearts of Gold 75
A Painted Horse 77
Unicorn Adjacent 79
The Gospel According to Queequeg 81
Out and Pink and Proud 83
I Always Cry at Weddings 85
Bible Study with Grandma Lily 89
iTranny – The App 91
We Who Serve 93
Dorothy’s Horse Rescue 95
A Modern Day Fable 97
Wherefore Is a Unicorn Pink 99
Scammed by Unicorns 101
A Deficiency of Donuts 103
Three Trannies, LLC 105
I Pitch a Hissy Fit 107
Bad Unicorn 109
Unicorns Lookin’ Good 111
Good Enough for Molly 113
Feather 115
Not for Nothing 117
A Thistle Caught Crossways 119
Aly on Camera 121
Aly Takes Steps 123
A Childish Wish Fulfilled 125
Donuts at the Circus Maximus 127
Works for Me 129
Love Conquers All 131
Our Alien Overlords 133
An Ill-Mannered Child 135
What Big Teeth You Have 137
The Farm in Fee Simple 139
Look at Me! 141
A Happy Reunion 143
Hornswoggled by Unicorns 145
Other Unspecified Outcasts 147
We’ll Get Back to You 149
A Lawyer’s Confession 151
Pity-Fucked by a Unicorn 153
A Ghostly Apparition 155
Kick It! 157
Grateful Warriors 159
Mind the Gap 161
The Revenge of the Donuts 165
A Sleepover for the Unicorns 167
The Sleepover – Part Deux 169
Binge and Purge 171
How to Up-Sell a Horse 173
Tears of a Unicorn 175
The Trannies Prepare for War 177
High School Time Machine 179
Ichabod’s Revenge 181
Define “Scary” 183
The Recognition You Deserve 185
Trannies Smashing the Patriarchy 187
The Wisdom of the Herd 189
Closed for Inventory 191
The Unicorn Whisperer 193
In the Lair of the Lunch Ladies 195
A 9mm Banana 197
The Judgment of Athena 199
A Gift of the Goddess 201
Chaos! Panic! Hysteria! 203
Playing the Percentages 205
You’re Dead to Me 207
A Gingerbread Whorehouse 209
Our Ectoplasmic Intersectional Ancestors 211
OK, Boomer, OK 213
The Temptation of Barb 215
How to Kill a Unicorn 217
A Time to Refrain from Donuts 219
Are You Liberally Lubricated? 221
That Fateful Tell 223
The Secret Gay Agenda 225
Riding the Gender Unicorn 227
Into the Money Pit 229
We All Scream for Ice Cream 231
The Lions of Chaeronea 233
Chariots of the Sacred Band 235
An Infestation of the Pestiferous Kind 237
Such an Ugly Word 239
The Christmas Cookie Insurrection 241
Sassy, the Red Nosed Unicorn 245
What We Want to Hear 247
Bake That Cake 249
The Prescience of Penelope 251
Broken Hearts, Breaking Camp 253
A Fistful of Donuts 255
For a Few Donuts More 257
Tuco Gets His Gay Card 259
Intermittently Gay 261
Who Knew? 263
Trannies Who Run with the Wolves 265
The Boys Who Cried Wolf 267
Stirring Up Trouble 269
Apology Accepted 271